Conversations Pt. 2 – The Canine Dialogues

Conversations Pt. 2 – The Canine Dialogues

“Why must I feel like that? Why must I chase the cat? Nothin’ but the dog in me.”

– “Atomic Dog,” George Clinton and P-Funk


This conversation takes place when two canine friends, Arnold the Basset Hound and Hugh the English Bulldog, run into each other at the dog park.

Arnold: “Hey, dog. What’s up? Haven’t seen you in a while. Is that a new butt scent?”

Hugh: “Yo, dog. Nah. My human went and put me in a doggie lockup for a couple weeks. That smell is the odor from being stuck in the lockup. I haven’t had a bath yet and no matter how much I lick, I still can’t get rid of that smell.”

Arnold: “Bummer, dog. That’s like three months in dog years.”

Hugh: “Tell me about it. And without my chew towel. Like an eternity. I’m not sure why he takes me there. It’s not as though I still chew on his bicycle tires or hump his pillow anymore. I made him think I was so happy to see him when he came to get me, but all I really wanted to do was go home and take a dump on that damn pillow.”

Arnold: “Not a good idea, dog. You could end up disappearing like Isaac the Chihuahua. I heard he went nuts one day and tore the trash up once too often. Rumor has it his human had enough and sent him to another human that only lets him outside for two minutes twice a day.

Hugh: “Well, most humans suck, but you know what? Isaac was an idiot. I really think he was a puppy mill in-bred. I kept warning him to chill, but all he wanted to do was constantly chase his tail, bounce off the walls, and tear up newspapers. I don’t think he ever slept. He was always barking at imaginary squirrels and chasing mice that didn’t exist in the middle of the night. If I told him once, I told him a thousand times to get himself on doggie downers, but he refused. And now he’s locked up, only coming outside a couple times a day and, even then, he has to stay on his leash the whole time.”

Arnold: “Whoa, dog! Look at that female greyhound over there. That is pure beauty. Dog, would I like to….”

Hugh: “Come on, dog. Her turds are bigger than you.”

Arnold: “Yeah, well. That never stopped me before. You remember Lady Marie Mercedes, that full size French poodle I met last year?”

Hugh: “How can I forget? She walked around all the time, nose in the air, claiming to be a full bred champion and all that. She never did produce a valid AKC birth certificate or the blue ribbons she claimed she had.”

Arnold: “Yeah, but all that full bred crap meant nothing when push came to shove.”

Hugh: “Yeah. ‘When push came to shove.’ You mean when your human and her human started pushing and shoving to separate the two of you. In fact, if I remember correctly, wasn’t there a hose with cold water somehow involved with that?”

Arnold: “Oh, shut up. Never mind. Let’s change the subject. I caught up with Big Max last week.”

Hugh: “Oh, really. Haven’t seen him in a while. How’s he doing?”

Arnold: “Well, he told me the strangest story. He was in his yard one day not too long ago. The mailman, who Big Max chased that day like he does every other day, didn’t close the gate tightly. Big Max was never one to let an opportunity slip by. So he nonchalantly walked out the gate and started running down the street. The mailman saw Big Max headed his way so he jumped into his truck and slammed the door closed with a loud bang. Big Max said it would have been an easy score – the mailman was slow – but Big Max ignored the mailman as he was on a mission. He set a goal of peeing on at least 8 fire hydrants before heading back home. He had really only gotten out by himself once before, as a puppy, and had really been scared after his first encounter with a cat. Praise be to Sirius and Dog protect us.”

Hugh: “Yes, praise be to Sirius and Dog protect us. A cat. One of merciful Dog’s worst creations. Right after humans.”

Arnold: “Big Max was determined that no cat was going to distract him this time. Distract was his word. I think terrify would be more appropriate. Anyway, he said the dog smells were like nothing he ever experienced. All kinds. Everywhere. On telephone poles. fire hydrants. Bushes. Even on the walls of buildings. Smells from more dogs than he could ever imagine existed.”

Hugh: “Smells. Smells. Hmm. Hold that thought. This conversation is giving me the urge to spray on something.”

Arnold: “Oh, dog!. That’s disgusting. Oh, come on! What did that little shih tsu ever do to you, dog?”

Hugh: “Get over it. That’s the same bitch that growled at me last week when all I wanted was a quick butt sniff. So, what happened with Big Max?”

Arnold: “So Big Max kept following the smells. Down the street, through a side alley, across a baseball field. Nose to the ground like when we watched those home movies with my cousins, the blood hounds. Then he went through a bunch of woods and, when he burst through the trees, he came to a big clearing where there were what seemed to be hundreds of dogs. Big dogs. Little dogs. White dogs. Brown dogs. Mixed colors and mixed breeds. The dogs were running around, chasing their tails, snapping at and wrestling with each other. Some were playing the hook-up game I got in trouble for playing with Lady Marie. Most were just sitting or lying around a big, deep puddle. And then Big Max noticed something very unsettling. Every single dog had one thing in common. Not one of them was wearing a collar.”

Hugh: “Oh, no. You don’t mean….”

Arnold: “Yes. A stray bar.”

Hugh: “Oh my Dog! A real stray bar. I didn’t know they actually existed. I always heard about them, but I thought they were an urban legend. So what happened?”

Arnold: “Well, the way Arnold tells it….. Oh, hell. Hold on. I have to go chase the damn Frisbee for a bit. Be back in a few minutes – as soon as I can tire my human out.”

Hugh: “No problem. Understand. Gotta keep our humans happy.”

Hugh: “Well, hey there, beautiful. You must be new here. Not often we get a Lhasa Apso around here and I definitely would have remembered seeing a gorgeous bitch like you.”

Amelia: “If you’re smart, you’ll just leave me alone. You’d be better off to go sniff some other dog’s butt.”

Hugh: “Whoa. That’s a lousy way to treat a pure bred you just met.”

Amelia: “Well, if you want to keep producing your pure bloodline, you’d better stop following me. My boyfriend is highly jealous, highly excitable, and not a dog you want to cross fangs with.”

Hugh: “Listen, sweetheart. I can handle myself pretty well and have been known to tie a tail or two in knots. Just who is this boyfriend I’m supposed to be afraid of?”

Amelia: “Randy the Rottweiler.”

Hugh: “Randy? Uh…well…um, it was really nice meeting you, but…uh, I have things to do. I have to …um…roll in the dirt. That’s right. I haven’t rolled in the dirt today. Need to get that taken care of. Fleas and all, you know? Oh, TMI I guess. But…Well, you have a nice day.”

Amelia: “Yeah. Go lick yourself, you mutt.”

Arnold: “Damn human wears me out! Who was that furry little miss you were just talking to?”

Hugh: “One of Randy the Rottweiler’s castoffs. Coming on to me like I’m just some big dumb stud who would just hump anything that comes along.”

Arnold: “Aren’t you?”

Hugh: “Well, yeah, but…”

Arnold: “I know, dog. I wouldn’t want to tangle with Randy either. Anyway, back to Big Max. So Big Max just stood there, taking it all in. As he listened, the leader of the Pack, who called himself Denny the Dingo, kept talking some nonsense about kidnapping a human baby. And the next thing he knows, Big Max was surrounded by about ten or fifteen dogs. They just circled around him, sniffed the air close to him, and stared at his collar. One actually nuzzled his dog tag. ‘What are you doing here? You’re not a mongrel,” Denny the Dingo growled. Max decided this was one bad dog that he was not about to disrespect. So, he just lowered his head and tail, not wanting to aggravate Denny, and stood looking down at the ground.

Hugh: “Typical Alpha. Always wanting to be in control. So then what happened?”

Arnold: “‘You don’t belong here. You’re…domesticated,’ was the word Denny spat out. Denny then told Big Max that he had about ten tail wags to get lost or Denny would set the Pack on him. Big Max wasted no time and slinked back out the way he had come. As he was making his way down the street, he heard his human calling his name. Big Max ran full speed toward the sound, wanting to protect his human from any of the Pack that might try to follow him home. After all, we know what happens sometimes when a stray follows a human home and Big Max didn’t want to share his human with any other dog.”

Hugh: “Wow. What an experience””

Arnold: “Are you kidding? He didn’t want to step foot outside his house after that but you know how it is. Pooping on the living room floor is not an option anymore. Every time he went outside, he was afraid one of the Pack would come by, start to howl at him, and get his human’s attention. He wanted to go back into the house immediately after finishing his outside business. In fact, he didn’t even chase the mailman for a week after that.”

Hugh: “Didn’t chase the mailman for a whole week? O.M.D. He really must have been traumatized!”

Arnold,” Damn. Gotta go, dog. My human is making that ‘Let’s go home and get you a treat’ BS gesture. Yeah, let’s go home and get a treat but first you need to play dead, roll over, stand on your hind legs, and sit up and beg. The dehumanizing human bastard.

Hugh: “Well good luck with that, dog. You take care. Good to see you.”

Arnold: “You too, dog. See you soon. Ok, Human. Now it’s time to go sidle up to you and play your stupid game, you rotten excuse for an owner. Let me tell you, stray bars are sounding better and better all the time.”

Hugh: “Wow. I should thank my lucky dog star, Sirius, that my owner is…Whoa! Well, hey there beautiful. You must be new here. Not often we get a Tibetan Terrier around here and I definitely would have remembered seeing a gorgeous bitch like you….”



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